a hard month

into the arms of His love

 

Well, I made it through a very hard month.  Thank you for all the love and support we received.  I received many calls, texts, visits, gifts, flowers and prayers.  I am glad to have the first year behind me and yet sad knowing my sweet Ryan has been gone so long.  I shed many tears last month reliving what we had gone through the year before.  It was hard, but necessary for me to heal.  Our families came and spent the day with us on Mother's Day, the year mark.  It was special to have them all join us for sacrament meeting.  I really felt that even though it would be hard, we needed to attend church that day.  Alex was asked to speak in sacrament and it was special to be able to hear his testimony.  The night before we had went out to dinner with the kids and then went ice blocking.  We also ate shakes at the cemetery and wrote on balloons and let them off.  It still blows my mind that a year has gone by.  I really think all of our family's injuries last year were in a way a blessing to keep our minds focused on something else and not our sadness. 

 

Ryan's school held a small tribute in his memory on May 10th.  Kids wore orange in his honor and 12 balloons were let off.  Then the kids wrote messages in chalk on the sidewalk followed by drinking orange punch.  It touched my heart that he would be remembered.

 

Speaking of remembering, thank you to all those who continue to wear orange in Ry's memory.  On Mother's Day I noticed more orange than usual and that made me smile.  I also want to thank those who visit his grave.  It touches my heart to see things left there by others. 

Memorial Day was beautiful at the cemetery with flowers everywhere.  It's too bad it can't look that way all year. 

 

Primary Children's Hospital held a memorial service for all the kids that passed away in 2012 on May 19th.  It was a short and beautiful program consisting of a talk, poem and a few songs.  Then a video was played with a picture and a few words about the children that had passed away.  The tears flowed.  It was also sad seeing others hurting as well because I totally knew what they were going through.  Later doves were released outside.  We were told that the doves knew their way home just as our sweet children did as well.  I was surprised that almost half the kids that had passed away were teenagers.  It made me think something wonderful must be going on up in heaven to need so many of our special children.  I can't wait to someday know exactly what.

 

 

 

 

The kids are out of school.  Yeah.  I think I am just excited as them.  I am so ready to be able to sleep in and not have to worry about homework anymore. 

 

   Ethan graduated from preschool and will go another year before he starts kindergarten.

 

 

The sixth graders did the dunk tank on field day.  I got her dunked with my second shot.  Awesome!!

Last week Mike worked in California.  The three little ones and I drove out with him to spend the week.  I figured, what the heck it's practically a free trip.  Alex stayed up in Hyde Park and had fun hanging out with family, fishing, riding motorcycles and vegging.  Poor Mike had to work a normal week while the kids and I soaked up the sun at the pool.  We swam for about 5 hours a day.  I even read an entire book.  I can actually say this was one of the best vacations ever.  It was truly a relaxing vacation and I think I actually caught up on some lost sleep as well.  Thank goodness for sunscreen and dark skinned kids so no one burned too much which was nice.  The kids did sleep very well each night considering they were totally wiped from all their swimming.  My sister lived an hour away and it was so great to see her and her kids.  The cousins all had so much fun together.

 

Jaime and Adam snorkeling- they were naturals

 

 

 

tired after a fun week in California

 

 

 

Alex having fun dirt biking

 

So a busy and sad month is behind us.  I hope we have a very fun and eventless summer and are able to relax and just enjoy life together as a family and make many more wonderful memories together.

I am so thankful for all my blessings and especially try to count them when I am feeling sad and that life is unfair.  Regardless of all that has happened, we have so much to thank our Father in Heaven for.  We have had so many answers to prayers and so many miracles, for even a tiny miracle is still a miracle.  And some day we will be blessed beyond measure.  I just want to end with a scripture that helped me through a hard month.  I came across it one night while reading with the kids.  It struck me hard in a good way and provided me the comfort I needed at the time.  It can apply to anyone and so I'd like to share it.

D&C 98:1-3    "Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;  Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament--the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.  Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled;  and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory, saith the Lord."

I am so thankful for the scriptures and the many times they have provided me with comfort and answer to my prayers without me ever even looking directly for the answers--  small miracles.

 

 

 

 

 

 Ethan wore these to preschool.  He told me they were to protect his head. 

 

 

 Adam loves cantaloupe.  He ate practically the entire melon in few minutes top.

 

 

 

 Alex helped clip the chickens and ducks wings.  They keep getting out and Ethan has already rescued a duck and a chicken from the dogs.  Aren't they lucky he moved fast.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I need to frame this.  Our poor cat had a ton of matted fur.  He kept pulling it our so we decided to have my sister-in-law shave him.  He looked totally hilarious.  We kept his head and tail fluffy.  He looks like a strange little lion.

 

Thinking of you and your family Becky

My mother-in-law shared this special poem with me.  I want to dedicate it to Mike's cousin Becky and her family.  Tomorrow, May 10th, marks the one year anniversary of her newborn son returning back to be with his Heavenly Father.  Baby Kevin was so perfect he only needed his earthly body for a few precious hours. 

 

 

 

Welcome home, my son, I've needed you.

There is a great work here that must be done,

And no one else can do this work but you,

Welcome home, my son, I've needed you.

 

Your time on earth was short, I know,

But all the needed time was given you

To fill your mission there, and now it's through,

A greater, heavenly mission waits for you.

 

I know your earthly family grieves,

But they would have you do this work,

And I will comfort them, and solace bring

Into their hearts, replacing sorrowing.

 

You are bound by ties that last forever,

A choice son, born of goodly parents.

Death cannot separate, nor can time sever

The ties that bind your lives and love together.

 

 

 

And so tomorrow I will wear both blue and orange in honor of

our boys who are looking down on us from up above.  We love you Beck family.  You are in our thoughts and prayers on a difficult day. 

Count your blessings

I just felt I needed to express my love to my Heavenly Father for all the blessings that I have.  I am so thankful for all the tender mercies that continue to come our way.  I am so thankful for the gospel in my life and the courage and strength it gives to go on with happiness even though my full happiness won't be fulfilled in this life time.  It gives me a great goal to strive for.  I know prayers are answered.  I know I am not alone.  I know that even though I don't fully understand right now someday I will see that Heavenly Father gave us what we needed -not what we thought we needed.

Thank you for all those who continue to remember us.  It is crazy thinking a year has gone by.  I am reliving the special memories I had of Ryan just days before our lives changed forever.  I know Heavenly Father was preparing me and I am so thankful that the morning of May 1, 2012 was a happy morning and that the last words Ryan and I ever shared were happy. 

I am so thankful for all the doctors and nurses and teachers and friends and family that helped us last year.  We couldn't have made it without you.

I recently was told about an Ensign article that has offered me much comfort.  It's titled "Trust in the Lord".  It's by Richard G. Scott from the Nov 1995 Ensign.  I encourage all to read it who are going through hard trials.  It can be found on lds.org.

I am thankful for my dear sweet husband.  He has been my rock.  I am thankful for our temple marriage and that he will be mine forever.  I am also so blessed to still have four happy healthy children on earth with me daily.  They make me smile, laugh and yes they still make me want to pull my hair out sometimes.

I am trying to focus more on the blessings I do have and not what I have lost.  For that will be ours again someday, and isn't really lost.  Ryan is on a special mission and I am so proud to be his mom and to have had 14 precious years with him.  

 

 

Newborn Ryan  March 16, 1998  (I recently came across this looking through old pictures.  He was so tiny.  He was three weeks early and weighed 5 lbs 12 oz)

 

 

 

(and daughters.  Someone sent me this sweet quote today.)

Spring has Sprung

Happy Easter Ryan!!!

 

Thank you to all those who remembered us on Easter.  I admit I hadn't even thought of Easter as being a possible hard day and therefore it wasn't.  I guess it's because I know that because of Easter and the resurrection I will be able to see my Ryan again some day.  That makes me so happy and I long for that day.

 

Ethan feeding Harry and Lloyd.  The names still make me smile and I am glad Ryan was the one who came up with the awesome names for our goats.

 

 

Jaime about 3yrs. old

 

I couldn't resist.  I came across this a few days ago looking at pictures.  I have decided it is time to go through the thousands of pictures I have in boxes and saved on my computer and put them in photo albums so we can look at them.  It will be a great way to remember all the fun times we have shared as a family over the years.

 

Way to go Mike!!!  And yes his shoulder wasn't happy afterwards.  A few weeks ago we took the kids to Get Aire for family home evening.  This is the first time that Mike and I have jumped with them.  It was actually a lot of fun.  I was even brave and did a flip into the foam pit.  It had been probably 20 years since I had done one so I was very proud of myself for conquering my fear.   We will definitely go again.

 

Eleven Months (Ethan had an ear infection)

 

It's crazy that the year mark is sneaking up on us.  I am not looking forward to the next month.  What's the hardest is knowing that it's just going to continue to get longer and longer that we have been apart.  I just keep trying to remind myself that the more time that passes actually brings us closer to when we will be together again. I will try and focus on that.  I am thankful my family will be with us on Mother's Day next month to help us through such a hard day.


 

 

We went and stayed in a hotel in Layton to celebrate Adam's 7th birthday.  We also went to Chuck E Cheese.  The kids had a blast playing games and winning tickets.  Last year Ryan had been there with us.  It wasn't the same without him.  It did make me smile remembering he was acting like a teenager last year when we went.  He wanted to hang out at a friends and was mad we made him come.  I have a picture we took from last year and he doesn't look very happy.  Now I treasure this memory.  I am sure he was looking in on us this year with his big happy grin though.

 

April 13, 2013  Swimming at the hotel-  our two little fish

 

 

 

 

 

Alex continues to grow- about time!  He is now just over 5'9  Wow!!  He has grown about 1 1/2 inches in the last month.  (I am 5'6.  I think Alex's hair is sticking up a little.)

Alex covered in cotton candy.   3-28-13

 

 Alex, with some help, made about 1,000 bags of cotton candy for the Hooper City Easter egg hunt.  The Easter egg hunt was a success.  We were told it had the best turn out yet.  I figure there were over a thousand kids there.  It was held on March 30th at the Hooper Park.  It started at 9am and was over in about 5 minutes.  We calculated the hours spent preparing to be about 150.  That included filling 10,000 eggs, bagging 1,000 cookies, making 100 toy baskets, shopping for candy, doing cotton candy, and placing all the candy and toys all over the park.  We are so thankful for all the scouts and friends and family who helped make this possible.  March was a busy month but was worth it.  Now he just needs to submit the paperwork and he will be driving in no time.

 

The Lott family-  Guess who the Easter Bunny was???  

 

  It was funny when little kids would say they wanted to see the Easter Bunny.  If Ethan would hear this he would say, "That's not the Easter Bunny.  That's Alex."

 

Our cute little Longhorns.  They won't take these off.  I don't let them sleep in the helmets though.  Adam chose the number 14 to go on the back of his jersey because Ryan was 14.  Ethan chose the number 4 because he is 4.  (Alex wants me to get him one.  He did try on the helmet and barely got his big head in it.)

It is great to have nice weather finally.  I am enjoying seeing my flowers and trees again.  Our grass in the back yard survived the winter.  Yeah!!  The kids love to play soccer on it.  And it only takes me about 1 1/2 hours to mow it!!!  Well worth it though.


 

 

Ryan's 15th bday

I would be lying if I said last week wasn't hard.  We hit the ten month mark and it was also Ryan's 15th birthday.  Thank you for all those who sent texts, cards, called us, visited and and sent gifts.  You helped carry us during a difficult week.

March 12, 2013

Ten months.  It was sure nice to have the snow gone.  I look forward to being able to get treats and eat them here with Ryan and not freeze. 

 It broke my heart to notice that a little baby had been buried near Ryan in January. So sad. She celebrated her 2nd birthday in Heaven this month. I feel for her parents. I hope they are doing ok.

 Afterwards we went out for Chinese.  On the way home my heart was heavy.  Ryan had loved that place.  We were celebrating him and he wasn't even able to be there with us.  It was hard.

Let's just say the kids have loved being outdoors.  Our grass survived the winter and it is wonderful for them to be able to play on it.  Last week Ethan helped me collect eggs.  It brought a smile to my face when one cracked in his pants pocket.  What a mess.  My kids want to wear shorts all the time even though it still gets cold.  Ethan now puts on pants and then his shorts over them to make us both happy.  He cracks me up.

Our little Leprechaun

I had fun helping at Adam's first grade St. Patrick's Day party. 

 

I came across this article in the February 2013 Ensign titled "Lifting the Hands Which Hang Down"   It really touched my heart as this father has felt so many of the things I feel.  I wanted to share this story because I have been told by so many that they just don't know what to say to me.  I thought this father put so many of my feelings perfectly.  This story could also help you know how to deal with others who go through different trials. 

First of all I want to thank so many that have done just what this article has said.  So many people continue to show us so much love and support and are very understanding of our family.  You will never understand how much it truly helps comfort our family.  We are forever grateful.

I did want to share a special experience that happened in February.  Mike and I were invited to attend the Rocky Mountain Jr. High choir concert.  During the last song, "You Raise Me Up", different students read letters about their heroes.  The first letter was to Ryan and was read by a sweet girl that was his friend.  We were so touched by her courage and strength to share this with us.  Later she came up to me and gave me the copy of the letter.  It is beautiful and I have wept many times reading it.  My heart was so full that night knowing that my sweet Ryan is still loved and missed and had a positive impact on someone's life.  Many others from our ward were there that night and said they were brought to tears as well.  Thank you so much for still caring.  Thank you for all everyone does for us.  Thank you.

I actually received two letters that night.  Thank you to the other special girl who gave me another one and for her sweet words that touched my heart so much as well.

"Lifting the Hands Which Hang Down" (This isn't the complete article.)

People often wonder how to appropriately comfort those who are grieving. The Lord has commanded us to “succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees” (D&C 81:5). After passing through my own experiences, I understand more about helpful things to say and do for someone who is dealing with loss.

What Can I Say?

My experiences help me relate with increased compassion to people who have lost a loved one, but I rarely say “I know what you are going through” to someone who is grieving. That’s because everyone experiences grief differently. Family members who deal with a suicide face a very different type of grief from family members who grieve the loss of a grandparent who has lived a long, full life. People likewise grieve broken marriages, childlessness, and unfulfilled expectations. Each type of grief comes with its own set of questions and often a heavy dose of regret and emotional pain.

In all cases, those who wish to help will be most effective when they can be sensitive to the unique situation. It’s probably best to express your love and condolences to the grievers and avoid making statements about what they should do or how they should feel.

Toward the end of Emm’s life, my wife and I learned we were expecting a baby. Our son was born shortly after Emm died. We needed to clean out Emm’s room to make a place for our newborn, but every time we went into the room, we felt too overcome with grief to be able to begin. Someone came to me during this time and told me that I needed to be strong and clean out Emm’s room. This person had good intentions, but this remark lacked the type of empathy and understanding I needed.

People who want to help should be very careful about placing a time limit on someone’s grief. Some believe that people should be finished grieving after a year and a half. In my personal and professional experience, I have learned that the pangs of grief can recur years later without warning. It has been three years since Emmalee died, and I still feel tremendous pain whenever I visit the hospital where she was sick. This type of grief doesn’t mean that I’m depressed or inconsolable, but rather it suggests that I still miss the people I love.

I have found that the most helpful conversations occur when people share their favorite memories of my wife and daughter with me; it’s also helpful when they are willing to listen to my favorite memories. I often cry during these conversations, but that doesn’t mean my day is ruined. These interactions actually brighten my day. You don’t have to help people who are grieving to stop crying. It may seem counter intuitive to cause more pain, but I have found with my own grief that I’m in pain anyway, and these conversations provide a chance for me to release my feelings.

What Can I Do?

One of my most memorable experiences happened after my first wife died. My neighbor, whom I didn’t know very well, rang the doorbell. When I answered the door, he reached out and hugged me. His gesture of compassion touched me so deeply that I began sobbing. He continued to hold me as I cried. He didn’t say anything, but he communicated his concern and love for me through his actions.

Another friend in my ward owned a landscaping business. A few weeks after Emm died, he sent some of his workers over to our house to do the autumn cleanup. He didn’t know I would be home. I started to cry when I saw his team working in our yard. I went out and shook each one of their hands and thanked them. That same friend also planted a tree at Emmalee’s elementary school in her memory.

These experiences have taught me that it’s best to be empathetic and proactive about helping those who are grieving. If you take some time to observe, you can often come up with ideas for how to help that are specific to the grievers’ needs. You can help by providing a meal, giving a hug, sending a card or email, or delivering flowers. Sometimes it’s helpful to suggest specific days and activities, such as taking a walk, going shopping, or visiting the zoo. These actions will let the people who are grieving know that you are there for them and will support them when they are ready to receive your help.

Whether we are experiencing grief or comforting someone who is grieving, it is always good to keep in mind that people mourn in deeply personal ways. As we “are willing to mourn with those that mourn … and comfort those that stand in need of comfort” (Mosiah 18:9), we can become more sincere followers of Christ and enjoy a greater abundance of the Spirit.

I hope this can help you know a little more what to say and do to those that are going through hard times.

March 16, 2013

We had our families over to help get us through the day.  We couldn't have done it without them.  We had a "big sandwich" and lots of goodies.  The cousins had fun playing together and riding bikes.  Later we went to the cemetery and let off about 25 orange and blue balloons.  Many tears were shed.  It was so hard to see my kids and their cousins sad. 

We miss you so much Ryan.  Just think you would be getting your learners permit soon.  Yikes for me.  How big would you be??  Alex is now the size that you were.  I still could take you down though.

  

Jaime- our eggstra special girl

We have been busy working on Alex's Eagle project.  Last night we filled the last egg.  Yeah.  We are storing about 8,500 filled Easter eggs and 100 Easter baskets filled with toys downstairs.  Boy does the room smell yummy.  Alex has received a lot of help from the scouts and family members filling eggs.  Thanks a bunch.  He has a few things left to do this week and then the Easter egg hunt is on Saturday.  Wow, I can't believe he will be done come Saturday.  We are so proud of him and so relieved.  Looks like he will have his license in a few weeks so watch out.

Cute little Adam at the dentist last week.  He was the only one with cavities this year.  Yeah.  He was so brave and wasn't even scared.  Thank goodness for modern technology as he is watching a movie and has no idea he even got a shot.  Wish it had been that easy when I was a kid.  He is proudly collecting silver teeth in his mouth and I finally explained that that isn't a good thing.  

 So I have learned not to tease Mike about having to speak in sacrament the hard way.  Last week I had the privilege of speaking with him in our ward and next month I have to speak with him in another ward.  I can't even give him a hard time because he wasn't the one that asked me.  I have to admit it wasn't as bad as I thought and I felt honored to be up there with him.  I was actually more nervous wondering if my kids were going to behave themselves during the meeting.  I did sit down with them the entire meeting to ease my concerns except for when I spoke.

Happy spring and let us all remember the reason we celebrate Easter and rely on our Savior and the Atonement to help us and to bring us all home to him again someday.

Lotts of Long Horn fans

 Our little Long Horn fans!!!

February 12, 2013   9 months

Afterwards we went for shakes at Arctic Circle.  We keep them in business and they know me now because I go there a little to much.

Alex turned 17 on February 10th.  Wow has the time flown.  It's crazy to think that he will graduate next year and be serving a mission.  We love him very much and will miss him.  We are thrilled that he has finally had a growth spurt.  He is a little over 5'8 and is bulking up with muscle.  I am so happy he finally out weighs me but I have told him I could still take him down in a wrestling match.  He has recently started his Eagle project and will be done by the end of the month.  He is co chairman of the Hooper City Easter Egg hunt.  This is actually a huge project as we have about 10,000 eggs to fill and expect around 1000 kids to show up.  So far we have put together 100 Easter baskets filled with toys to give out and we still have much to do.  The Easter egg hunt is at 9am on March 30th at the Hooper park.

I celebrated a birthday this month as well.  It was so neat to have my little nephew Benjamin born on my birthday last year- Feb 29th.  It was fun to celebrate this year together.  His was a little nervous about eating his cake and I even joined the fun and ate some with my hands as well.

We finally completed the little apartment in our basement.  Mike's mom has been living there for about a month.  We love having her here and have been having a lot of fun together.  She was recently called to be our ward organist and the kids are so proud to see her up on the stand playing the organ.  Adam was wondering why it says Jeri Lott on the program and not Grandma Jeri.  Mike also recently received a new calling.  He has been called to be on our Stake High Counsel.  He is a little nervous but I know he will do a great job.  I have warned him that he had better not ask me to speak with him.  He tells me that if I don't quit laughing at all the meetings and things he has to do he will make me.  Ha ha.  Little does he know that all I have to do is embarrass him really badly the first time and then I will be off the hook.  Just kidding.  I told him I would be honored.  The only real down side to the calling for me is that he has to have a clean shaven face.  I really liked his goatee (no clue how to spell it).  Oh well, such is life.  That's not a good enough reason to turn down a calling.

We are doing very well.  It's hard to believe that the year mark will soon be upon us.  Ryan's 15th birthday will be next week on the 16th and that will be a very difficult day as well.  I have invited both sides of our families here to help us.  I am thankful for the wonderful memory of his birthday last year.  My precious boy sat back and watched as his little brothers opened all of his birthday presents for him.  It was priceless to see the love he showed to them.  I am so thankful we have it on video.  We as a family have also had fun watching other home videos and remembering so many good times. 

This all still seems so unreal and I really have to take it a day at a time.  It still hurts to much to think about the rest of this earthly life without him and so I don't.  I just keep remembering that this is all for our good and someday we will know why.  I recently had to teach my young women about the Atonement.  I have relied on it so much this past year.  It wasn't just for the sinners.  Our Savior has suffered all our pains, sorrows, fears and disappointments.  He truly knows how I feel.  I am not in this alone.   My testimony has grown so much through reading the General Conference messages as well.  I have received so much peace and comfort and encourage all those seeking answers and comfort to look for them there and in the scriptures.  As I was writing this Alex came home from school.  He saw me crying and left and came back with the Bible.  He said they had read these verses today in seminary and he felt like he should share them with me.  I am thankful for his example to me and want to share these verses because they apply to everyone.   2 Corinthians 4:17-18   "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal;but the things which are not seen are eternal."

  Another good book I have read is "Let It Go".  It is about a father who lost his pregnant wife, unborn child and two other children to a drunk driver.  I cried so hard as I read his story.  What faith he has.  What forgiveness he showed.  I encourage all to read and learn from his example.  As I witness others who have had trials even worse then mine, I am given courage and strenght to continue on...  to love more, to serve more and to hold on until all that is unfair in this life will me made right through the Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ.  For he has truly wept for us and our afflictions are engraven upon his palms.  I hope I can remember this this Easter season and throughout my lifetime.

Thank you again to all those who still remember us and help us in so many ways.

The pictures are in...

 

 

I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas present. The pictures were placed and we got to see them on Christmas Eve for the first time. They turned out beautifully.

  It is so special to be able to see his smiling face when we go to visit him.