I really can't believe it has already been six months. The time has gone by so quickly and yet it has been an eternity. Sadly it is just the beginning and it breaks my heart thinking of the years going by without Ryan. Today I caught myself as I almost asked where Ryan was. Needless to say, I was quickly saddened. Sometimes I find myself having too much free time as I do the dishes, make a bed or drive in the car to think. I find myself too often reliving the past 6 months and still not believing this all really happened. It is just to hard for me to comprehend at the moment and so I guess I will just continue in denial. Once again I am so thankful for the atonement and knowing that I am not in this alone. I know that our suffering will not go unnoticed and that we will one day be with our son again. That gives me so much hope and joy.
I have so much to be thankful for. I have four other wonderful and mostly healthy children, ha ha. A wonderful husband that I couldn't imagine going through this without him. I am thankful for little crazy Ethan and that he still keeps me on my toes (a little too much sometimes). He occupies most of my time and I know he was sent to us for this purpose. I am so glad he still has two years until kindergarten. I am so thankful for my family and friends who still are watching out for us all the time. I am especially thankful for the plan on salvation and the knowledge of the gospel. My testimony is even stronger now and we have been so blessed.
Our family watched the "Ryan movie" Sunday night. I figured we needed a planned melt down for us all. We all held each other and cried as we listened to the beautiful music and looked at pictures of Ryan. I usually can go for a minute or so without tears but this time they came instantly. Ethan kept asking why we were all crying. He kept saying Ryan was alive and we would see him in a few days. Oh how I wish he were right. Yes, we will see him again and someday it will be as though it was just for a moment but for now it seems like an eternity. Ethan than with tenderness went around wiping our eyes with Kleenex. It was so nice to have one of my children not sobbing.
Monday afternoon I went to the cemetery to put balloons on Ryan's grave. As I was there I saw a women at the grave of the boy that was shot and killed by his brother a few weeks after Ryan had died. It ended up being the boy's mother. We both held each other and cried and talked. It was nice to meet someone who truly felt my pain. She understood me. We have so many of the same emotions. I am sure I will run into her again and am glad to have met her.
As tradition, we let off balloons. The kids and I all wrote individual notes to Ryan on our balloons. I got teary eyed as I read Alex's. Mike didn't get to write on one this time. I accidentally popped his.
Some might wonder why we do balloons and celebrate his death day. My response is that it would be a hard day for us anyway and why not try and do a few fun things to help cheer us up. I also really don't want Adam and Ethan to forget Ryan and hope that this helps keep his memory strong for them. The balloons have a special and tender place in our hearts. We all wrote messages on balloons and let them go on top of the roof of Primary Children's Hospital in honor of Ryan before he passed away. Wearing orange on the 12th also makes us think of him and unites us all.
We later went out for dinner to Red Robin. It was a nice meal but as I ordered I was reminded that Ryan wasn't there as I ordered the same meal he would have. It's strange how the tiniest of things hold the most memories.
We then enjoyed some bowling in Syracuse. Mike and I just sat back and enjoyed watching the kids. It was sweet to see Alex help Ethan. Ethan needed some help due to his cast but still ended up coming in second place. Jaime was sad she was in last place but she didn't use bumpers and we kept reminding her that.
Thank you for all the texts and phone calls on the 12th. Also, thank you to all those who wore orange in his honor.
an orange ball for Ryan
It's so sweet how the boys always point out everything orange- cars,cups, toys. Adam was also so excited when I got him an orange toothbrush.
Jaime pulled out a tooth a few days ago. When she mentioned that the tooth fairy would bring you money Adam got on board. He let Jaime tie a bunch of floss to his not so loose tooth and yank it out. He didn't even cry. Now he is working on the other one. I only hope he doesn't start to pull out the permanent ones.
When Ethan heard about what Adam did he put this string in his mouth and tried to pull out his tooth as well. Thank goodness he didn't figure it out.
Hope everyone enjoys this time of year and is able to spend it with those they love.
