I would be lying if I said last week wasn't hard. We hit the ten month mark and it was also Ryan's 15th birthday. Thank you for all those who sent texts, cards, called us, visited and and sent gifts. You helped carry us during a difficult week.
March 12, 2013
Ten months. It was sure nice to have the snow gone. I look forward to being able to get treats and eat them here with Ryan and not freeze.
It broke my heart to notice that a little baby had been buried near Ryan in January. So sad. She celebrated her 2nd birthday in Heaven this month. I feel for her parents. I hope they are doing ok.
Afterwards we went out for Chinese. On the way home my heart was heavy. Ryan had loved that place. We were celebrating him and he wasn't even able to be there with us. It was hard.
Let's just say the kids have loved being outdoors. Our grass survived the winter and it is wonderful for them to be able to play on it. Last week Ethan helped me collect eggs. It brought a smile to my face when one cracked in his pants pocket. What a mess. My kids want to wear shorts all the time even though it still gets cold. Ethan now puts on pants and then his shorts over them to make us both happy. He cracks me up.
Our little Leprechaun
I had fun helping at Adam's first grade St. Patrick's Day party.
I came across this article in the February 2013 Ensign titled "Lifting the Hands Which Hang Down" It really touched my heart as this father has felt so many of the things I feel. I wanted to share this story because I have been told by so many that they just don't know what to say to me. I thought this father put so many of my feelings perfectly. This story could also help you know how to deal with others who go through different trials.
First of all I want to thank so many that have done just what this article has said. So many people continue to show us so much love and support and are very understanding of our family. You will never understand how much it truly helps comfort our family. We are forever grateful.
I did want to share a special experience that happened in February. Mike and I were invited to attend the Rocky Mountain Jr. High choir concert. During the last song, "You Raise Me Up", different students read letters about their heroes. The first letter was to Ryan and was read by a sweet girl that was his friend. We were so touched by her courage and strength to share this with us. Later she came up to me and gave me the copy of the letter. It is beautiful and I have wept many times reading it. My heart was so full that night knowing that my sweet Ryan is still loved and missed and had a positive impact on someone's life. Many others from our ward were there that night and said they were brought to tears as well. Thank you so much for still caring. Thank you for all everyone does for us. Thank you.
I actually received two letters that night. Thank you to the other special girl who gave me another one and for her sweet words that touched my heart so much as well.
"Lifting the Hands Which Hang Down" (This isn't the complete article.)
People often wonder how to appropriately comfort those who are grieving. The Lord has commanded us to “succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees” (D&C 81:5). After passing through my own experiences, I understand more about helpful things to say and do for someone who is dealing with loss.
What Can I Say?
My experiences help me relate with increased compassion to people who have lost a loved one, but I rarely say “I know what you are going through” to someone who is grieving. That’s because everyone experiences grief differently. Family members who deal with a suicide face a very different type of grief from family members who grieve the loss of a grandparent who has lived a long, full life. People likewise grieve broken marriages, childlessness, and unfulfilled expectations. Each type of grief comes with its own set of questions and often a heavy dose of regret and emotional pain.
In all cases, those who wish to help will be most effective when they can be sensitive to the unique situation. It’s probably best to express your love and condolences to the grievers and avoid making statements about what they should do or how they should feel.
Toward the end of Emm’s life, my wife and I learned we were expecting a baby. Our son was born shortly after Emm died. We needed to clean out Emm’s room to make a place for our newborn, but every time we went into the room, we felt too overcome with grief to be able to begin. Someone came to me during this time and told me that I needed to be strong and clean out Emm’s room. This person had good intentions, but this remark lacked the type of empathy and understanding I needed.
People who want to help should be very careful about placing a time limit on someone’s grief. Some believe that people should be finished grieving after a year and a half. In my personal and professional experience, I have learned that the pangs of grief can recur years later without warning. It has been three years since Emmalee died, and I still feel tremendous pain whenever I visit the hospital where she was sick. This type of grief doesn’t mean that I’m depressed or inconsolable, but rather it suggests that I still miss the people I love.
I have found that the most helpful conversations occur when people share their favorite memories of my wife and daughter with me; it’s also helpful when they are willing to listen to my favorite memories. I often cry during these conversations, but that doesn’t mean my day is ruined. These interactions actually brighten my day. You don’t have to help people who are grieving to stop crying. It may seem counter intuitive to cause more pain, but I have found with my own grief that I’m in pain anyway, and these conversations provide a chance for me to release my feelings.
What Can I Do?
One of my most memorable experiences happened after my first wife died. My neighbor, whom I didn’t know very well, rang the doorbell. When I answered the door, he reached out and hugged me. His gesture of compassion touched me so deeply that I began sobbing. He continued to hold me as I cried. He didn’t say anything, but he communicated his concern and love for me through his actions.
Another friend in my ward owned a landscaping business. A few weeks after Emm died, he sent some of his workers over to our house to do the autumn cleanup. He didn’t know I would be home. I started to cry when I saw his team working in our yard. I went out and shook each one of their hands and thanked them. That same friend also planted a tree at Emmalee’s elementary school in her memory.
These experiences have taught me that it’s best to be empathetic and proactive about helping those who are grieving. If you take some time to observe, you can often come up with ideas for how to help that are specific to the grievers’ needs. You can help by providing a meal, giving a hug, sending a card or email, or delivering flowers. Sometimes it’s helpful to suggest specific days and activities, such as taking a walk, going shopping, or visiting the zoo. These actions will let the people who are grieving know that you are there for them and will support them when they are ready to receive your help.
Whether we are experiencing grief or comforting someone who is grieving, it is always good to keep in mind that people mourn in deeply personal ways. As we “are willing to mourn with those that mourn … and comfort those that stand in need of comfort” (Mosiah 18:9), we can become more sincere followers of Christ and enjoy a greater abundance of the Spirit.
I hope this can help you know a little more what to say and do to those that are going through hard times.
March 16, 2013
We had our families over to help get us through the day. We couldn't have done it without them. We had a "big sandwich" and lots of goodies. The cousins had fun playing together and riding bikes. Later we went to the cemetery and let off about 25 orange and blue balloons. Many tears were shed. It was so hard to see my kids and their cousins sad.
We miss you so much Ryan. Just think you would be getting your learners permit soon. Yikes for me. How big would you be?? Alex is now the size that you were. I still could take you down though.
Jaime- our eggstra special girl
We have been busy working on Alex's Eagle project. Last night we filled the last egg. Yeah. We are storing about 8,500 filled Easter eggs and 100 Easter baskets filled with toys downstairs. Boy does the room smell yummy. Alex has received a lot of help from the scouts and family members filling eggs. Thanks a bunch. He has a few things left to do this week and then the Easter egg hunt is on Saturday. Wow, I can't believe he will be done come Saturday. We are so proud of him and so relieved. Looks like he will have his license in a few weeks so watch out.
Cute little Adam at the dentist last week. He was the only one with cavities this year. Yeah. He was so brave and wasn't even scared. Thank goodness for modern technology as he is watching a movie and has no idea he even got a shot. Wish it had been that easy when I was a kid. He is proudly collecting silver teeth in his mouth and I finally explained that that isn't a good thing.
So I have learned not to tease Mike about having to speak in sacrament the hard way. Last week I had the privilege of speaking with him in our ward and next month I have to speak with him in another ward. I can't even give him a hard time because he wasn't the one that asked me. I have to admit it wasn't as bad as I thought and I felt honored to be up there with him. I was actually more nervous wondering if my kids were going to behave themselves during the meeting. I did sit down with them the entire meeting to ease my concerns except for when I spoke.
Happy spring and let us all remember the reason we celebrate Easter and rely on our Savior and the Atonement to help us and to bring us all home to him again someday.
