one happy boy

Ethan was one happy boy to finally be able to take a bath after almost six weeks.  It actually brought tears to my eyes and reminded me of the little things that I take for granted everyday.  He even offered me all his money for a bath but this smile is priceless and is all I needed.

 

Having had so many trials and heartaches these past few months I have been lead to so many others who have and are going through hard times as well.  It gives me hope and strength seeing them press forward.  It makes me want to be a better person and to serve others more. So many of you are reaching out to us while suffering yourselves.   Thank you.  What an example of Christlike love you have.  At this sacred Christmas time I hope I can reach out to others who are in need and help lift them up, even if just a little. 

 

I want to tell all those who follow the promptings of the Spirit that our Heavenly Father is answering our prayers through you. I hope and pray I can be in tune with the Spirit enough to follow even the smallest promptings.

 

Thank you again to all those who lift me up.  I am so thankful for your continual thoughts and prayers and I testify that YOU are making a difference in my life and my family.  We are super sad, but we will make it.  We feel of your faith and it helps boost ours.

 
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7 months

Check out the orange hair.  Ry would be so proud.

 

 

 

 We all wrote notes to Ryan.  This is from sweet Adam.

 

 

 

Ethan passing some time measuring things while waiting at Instacare.

 

  Yep once again we found ourselves at the doctors tonight.  Long story short, Ethan hurt his arm this evening and ended up getting his elbow, on his broken arm, relocated.  (A few years ago Ethan's elbows would easily get dislocated. It hadn't happened for years so I was shocked it happened again. Alex had been holding his hand and Ethan pulled away and there was a pop. I was right there and couldn't believe that something so simple could have hurt him. Alex felt horrible and I know it totally was an fluke accident. Years ago I had learned to reset it myself but there was no way I was going to try with his cast on and not totally sure what was wrong.)  It took the doctor two trys to reset it.  He hadn't been using it until then and was in a lot of pain but was happy and using it again once it was put back in.  Thank goodness his wrist wasn't affected and he was actually able to get his cast off.  We were supposed to have it looked at and possibly removed tomorrow but did it all tonight since we were already there.  Yeah.  He was so brave.  He said, "Hip hip hooray", and was so happy to be able to move his wrist again.  He now has to wear a brace for at least a week so it can build up strenght.  He has to be careful and baby it.  Wish me luck.  He actually fell in the doctors office before we even left.  I am crossing my fingers we won't end up back there in a few days.  On the bright side, I have gotten to know the staff there quite well and Ethan is really learning his way around there. 

 

Ethan is so excited to be able to take a real bath tomorrow and go swimming in a week or so. 

His poor little hand was dry and scaly... but didn't stink to much.  He was so excited to finally wash it.

Ethan with his new brace.  When we got home he showed me he can totally take his arm out of it in seconds.  Great!!!  I have told him Santa won't come if he doesn't leave it on and so far that is working.  He is also clutching the pair of purple latex gloves the doctor gave him.  He was so excited.

 

 

 

Thank you to everyone's continued support and love.  The holidays have been hard and I am so thankful to all the shoulders I have cried on.  What is so hard is that I never know when it will hit and I can't control it.  It is always there and I am trying to find myself again.  It is hard to know that I will never be the same again and my joy will never be full.  I still do have joy and have found it being with friends and family.  I have seemed to have lost the "fun" part of myself and keep reminding myself that it will come in time.  I also wish I could say that I have become a better person and mom.  I still make the same mistakes and still fall short in so many things.  At times it seems that the adversary is working even harder on us.  Little does he know he isn't going to win!!!  I just keep praying, keep reading my scriptures and keep going.  I can't give up.  There is to much at stake.  I have so many blessings and so much to be thankful for.  I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father and he has so much in store for me if I can just keep going.     

 

I came across this on a blog of a family who lost a child a few years ago.  It is a little long but is beautiful and really helped me see why we are having to go through this trial.    (I have been asked more about this family and what happened to them so I thought I would give a little more information.  About two years ago 18 month old Preslee fell into a canal and drowned.  She spent about 5 days at PCMC . I think her parents Ashley and Pat live in Rigby, Idaho.  Their story had so many similarities to ours.  It brought back so many memories.  Two years later they now have another little boy and are doing well.  I want to thank the person who felt inspired to tell me about this blog.  It has really helped me and I share this thinking it could help others.  If you want to follow their story the blog is  www.sullengers.com.)

At 15 months, Pat and I decided it was time to take her prized possession away. After we tried a few things we decided to go cold turkey. I put her to bed that night and she immediately began to cry. She wanted her bink. Once she clued in that we weren't going to give it to her a whole different side of Preslee came out. Holy cow, she screamed like she never had before. She totally lost it. She kicked and thrashed and screamed some more. Her face went bright red. To this day I still haven't seen anyone hold their breath as long as she did all in preparation to let out an even louder scream. She screamed for hours. I can only imagine what she would have said if she would have been able to talk.

 

Pat and I took turns trying to console her. She didn't care. All she wanted was her binky. I remember looking at her while I rocked her and thinking, "I wish you could just understand." But I knew at that specific moment she couldn't. It was impossible. With the limited knowledge an 18 month old has, she wasn't capable of understanding that in the long run she would be better off. This situation repeated itself the next couple of nights. I tried harder and harder to comfort her, but she just couldn't understand. I wanted so badly to run to the closet where I hid the binky and give it to her, but I knew I was doing the right thing. Taking the binky away was helping little Preslee grow up.

 

So I ask you again, have you ever had something you love more than life ripped out of your arms?

 

Just like Preslee, I have too. It's painful.

 

Pat's a better person than I am. He's been my rock. I've never heard him ask, "Why me?" But to be honest, I have. Lately, I've asked it a lot. I've wanted so badly to understand why Preslee? Why me? Then today as I found the binky and it hit me hard. Like a blow in the gut. I finally understood.

 

To be given the opportunity to be Preslee's mother was my gift, it was my binky. I was able to experience it for 18 months. Then, she was ripped away from me. I was left in a state of unbelief and in a world of pain. And because of my limited knowledge here on earth I cannot truly understand why.

 

As I stood on a chair in the middle of the hallway clutching her binky I began to cry. Then I began to sob. I felt my Heavenly Fathers love so strongly. I finally understood what He has been trying to tell me for weeks. It's time for me to grow. It's for my own good. It's not an easy way to learn the lessons I need to, but it's necessary for my future. His love for me became so overwhelming. I understood it hasn't been easy for Him to watch Pat and I struggle.

 

Even amongst the trials I know my Heavenly Father loves me. Why? Because I have been given so many blessings and miracles over the past couple of months. As I think back to the girl I was two months ago, I almost can't believe I knew so little. I didn't know it was possible to grow as much as Pat and I have in just two months. As parents we often make our kids do hard things. Because we know it will make them grow. If we gave in to everything our children wanted, they wouldn't stand a chance. So I think that is a small part of why Preslee isn't here with Pat and I anymore. And though it seems overwhelming at times, we still have our Savior, Jesus Christ who understands the pain we feel. He's more than willing to help us get through each and every day.

 

Eventually Preslee learned how to function without the comfort of her binky in her mouth. But it took time, and a lot of comforting from her parents. Sometimes prayers are answered in strange ways. Who would have ever thought finding a binky in a closet would answer one of mine? I know this analogy may seem crazy, but it was a powerful teaching tool for me. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at a binky the same ever again. It will always remind me how much my Father in Heaven truly cares. He truly wants the best for us.

 

So as I begin gathering items to put in a memory box, the binky will be the first to go in.

 

 

 

Thank you Ashley.  These words have brought me much comfort and a better perspective on things.  I hope those of you who are going through trials will also see how much you are loved and that it is truly for your own good.  Hang in there.  It will be worth it and you are never alone.

 

 

Merry Christmas Ry

I smiled and then I cried.  (with cousin Caleb)  Dec 1, 2012

 

 

 

So much to be thankful for

 

A friend of mine suggested we have a "Ryan" tree and make an ornament together as a family every year.  What a wonderful idea.  We have chosen to do this on the Sunday before Thanksgiving.  It will be the first tree we put up each year and the last one to come down.  All the kids helped and we enjoyed decorating the tree with our new ornament and various Texas Longhorn ornaments I have found online.   

 

 

 

 

 

 We had a nice Thanksgiving weekend with lots of family.  I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard.  I shed many tears and am so thankful to all those who remembered our family.  It was hard to not have Ryan around to share in the feast.  He would have loved to have gone bowling with us and to hang out with his cousins.  I know he would have enjoyed holding his baby cousin Benjamin and going to a late night movie with the big kids. We miss him so much and things are just not the same without him.  We do have so much to be thankful for and I have so many blessings.   

Life could always be worse and so I am thankful for all that I do have.  I haven't lost Ryan for good- he's just away for a little while.  Hopefully that little while will get easier.

 

 

Ethan before his cast was taken off.

 He got dog poop on it today so it was coming off either way.  The dog poop ended up being a blessing because look what was found inside his cast....

Yep, it's a piece of glass that was about 2 inches long.  It is a miracle that he wasn't cut and didn't have an infection.  We asked him how it got there and he said he stuck it in there.   Duh!! He said he got it at the neighbors.  He had complained a few times briefly about his arm hurting.  Maybe it was because he had a huge piece of glass in there???  I just figured it was because the bone was broken and healing-- silly me. 

As you can see his arm hasn't completely healed  (to the right and a little lower than the blue dot)and so another cast must go on.  Darn, another 2 1/2 weeks of no baths and trouble wiping himself.  Oh well, at least he has an arm... right?? 

 

 
The saw that is used to cut off the cast is pretty amazing.  It only cuts when it comes in contact with a hard object.  The doctor showed me by putting his hard up to it and it didn't cut him.  Regardless, I was still very nervous when it cut through the cast and looked like it should keep going through his arm.  Ethan was so brave and didn't move.

Then pliers and scissors are used to do the rest. Ethan's arm wasn't in to bad of shape once it was out. It didn't even stink to much. He was excited to be able to wash it and move it around a little.  The doctor told him to kiss his arm good bye before he put on the other cast.  Ethan did.

 

 

The crazy little boy with his blue cast and on the infamous little slide.  Now all he wants for Christmas is his arm to be better.

 

 

I special thank you to all those who continue to follow our family through our journey of life.  It really touches my heart to see the number continue to go up and know that so many still care about our family.  Thank you.

6 months

I really can't believe it has already been six months.  The time has gone by so quickly and yet it has been an eternity.  Sadly it is just the beginning and it breaks my heart thinking of the years going by without Ryan.  Today I caught myself as I almost asked where Ryan was.  Needless to say, I was quickly saddened.  Sometimes I find myself having too much free time as I do the dishes, make a bed or drive in the car to think.  I find myself too often reliving the past 6 months and still not believing this all really happened.  It is just to hard for me to comprehend at the moment and so I guess I will just continue in denial.  Once again I am so thankful for the atonement and knowing that I am not in this alone. I know that our suffering will not go unnoticed and that we will one day be with our son again.  That gives me so much hope and joy.

 

I have so much to be thankful for.  I have four other wonderful and mostly healthy children, ha ha.  A wonderful husband that I couldn't imagine going through this without him.  I am thankful for little crazy Ethan and that he still keeps me on my toes (a little too much sometimes).  He occupies most of my time and I know he was sent to us for this purpose.  I am so glad he still has two years until kindergarten.  I am so thankful for my family and friends who still are watching out for us all the time.  I am especially thankful for the plan on salvation and the knowledge of the gospel.  My testimony is even stronger now and we have been so blessed. 

 

 

 

Our family watched the "Ryan movie" Sunday night.  I figured we needed a planned melt down for us all.  We all held each other and cried as we listened to the beautiful music and looked at pictures of Ryan.  I usually can go for a minute or so without tears but this time they came instantly.  Ethan kept asking why we were all crying.  He kept saying Ryan was alive and we would see him in a few days.  Oh how I wish he were right.  Yes, we will see him again and someday it will be as though it was just for a moment but for now it seems like an eternity.  Ethan than with tenderness went around wiping our eyes with Kleenex.  It was so nice to have one of my children not sobbing.

 

Monday afternoon I went to the cemetery to put balloons on Ryan's grave.  As I was there I saw a women at the grave of the boy that was shot and killed by his brother a few weeks after Ryan had died.  It ended up being the boy's mother.  We both held each other and cried and talked.  It was nice to meet someone who truly felt my pain.  She understood me.  We have so many of the same emotions.  I am sure I will run into her again and am glad to have met her.

 

As tradition, we let off balloons.  The kids and I all wrote individual notes to Ryan on our balloons.  I got teary eyed as I read Alex's.  Mike didn't get to write on one this time.  I accidentally popped his. 

 

Some might wonder why we do balloons and celebrate his death day.  My response is that it would be a hard day for us anyway and why not try and do a few fun things to help cheer us up.  I also really don't want Adam and Ethan to forget Ryan and hope that this helps keep his memory strong for them.  The balloons have a special and tender place in our hearts.  We all wrote messages on balloons and let them go on top of the roof of Primary Children's Hospital in honor of Ryan before he passed away.  Wearing orange on the 12th also makes us think of him and unites us all.

 

We later went out for dinner to Red Robin.  It was a nice meal but as I ordered I was reminded that Ryan wasn't there as I ordered the same meal he would have.  It's strange how the tiniest of things hold the most memories.

 

We then enjoyed some bowling in Syracuse.  Mike and I just sat back and enjoyed watching the kids.  It was sweet to see Alex help Ethan.  Ethan needed some help due to his cast but still ended up coming in second place.  Jaime was sad she was in last place but she didn't use bumpers and we kept reminding her that.

 

Thank you for all the texts and phone calls on the 12th.  Also, thank you to all those who wore orange in his honor.  

 

 

 

an orange ball for Ryan

It's so sweet how the boys always point out everything orange- cars,cups, toys.  Adam was also so excited when I got him an orange toothbrush.

 

 

Jaime pulled out a tooth a few days ago.  When she mentioned that the tooth fairy would bring you money Adam got on board.  He let Jaime tie a bunch of floss to his not so loose tooth and yank it out.  He didn't even cry.  Now he is working on the other one.  I only hope he doesn't start to pull out the permanent ones.

 

When Ethan heard about what Adam did he put this string in his mouth and tried to pull out his tooth as well.  Thank goodness he didn't figure it out.

 

Hope everyone enjoys this time of year and is able to spend it with those they love.

 

 

 

  

Orange for Ryan

 

 

 

 

Ethan with his orange cast "for Ryan".

 

Ethan got his cast put on yesterday and will have it on for at least 3 - 4 weeks .  It is actually a relief to have it on now so he can run around and be crazy again with it protected.  He was so excited to be able to play football again yesterday.  Hopefully he doesn't figure out he has a built in weapon and start whacking everyone.  He is feeling fine and isn't in pain.  He can do almost everything on his own but needs help with a few things here or there.  Everywhere we go people ask what happened.  I am glad he always gives the real answer.  A few days ago I asked him what happened and he said,  "You pushed me and I broke my arm."  Then I asked what really happened and he smiled and said, "I jumped off the slide."  Silly boy.  He keeps me smiling.

Another one bites the dust

Yes, it happened again.  Ethan was playing upstairs yesterday with Adam and some friends.  Apparently he jumped off our 2 foot plastic slide and landed wrong.  Long story short, he has a buckle fracture on his left wrist.  A buckle fracture is very common among young children.  It is when the bone actually sort of bends or buckles.  (Imagine his bone is a banana.  A normal fracture would be breaking the banana right in half.  The buckle is more like pushing on the banana and it indents.)  Little Ethan was very brave.  He actually even fell asleep while we were waiting.  I was so glad Mike was home minutes after this happened.  He drove us to the Syracuse Instacare (where we are becoming regulars and they know us by name.  ha ha) while I sat back with Ethan holding his wrist.   

This was Ethan about an hour before it happened.  He is so wild and crazy and yet got hurt doing something so simple.

He felt much better after his little nap and the ibuprofen kicked in.  He was so cute and chatted up a storm with the nurse and doctor.  If you notice he does have some money in his right hand.  There is a cute story behind this.  Right after he got hurt I was examining him and asked him if he could move his arm.  He said no so I offered him a quarter.  He didn't want to.  Later at the doctor's office out of the blue he lifted his arm straight up and then asked for his quarter.  Of course I didn't have a quarter so I gave him a dollar.  Then I gave him another one because I felt so bad for him.  Mike points out that I gave him his money.  Guess it was good Mike didn't have more than two bucks.

Happy little boy with a burger.  Glad we kept Jaime's sling.  Who would have known we would be using it so soon?  Ethan has a splint for five days until the swelling is gone.  He goes back on Tuesday to get a cast.  I think he will wear that for about 3 weeks.  Then he will have another brace to wear for a few more weeks.  Man, we aren't even done with Jaime's healing.  She still has 1 1/2 weeks of being careful herself.  We had planned on going swimming today, but had to cancel.  It would be fun to go bowling but half our family is injured.  Crazy Crazy.  Poor little Adam.  He was upset yesterday that he would be next.  He is also sad that we can't do anything fun as a family for a few more weeks.  What is really sad is that the boys have really been enjoying playing football on our new grass and now they can't most likely till spring.  I will have to get creative to keep Ethan entertained while he heals. 

Ethan will be watching a lot of tv for the next little while.  We were glad we found a smaller sling for his arm (it was used when Jaime broke her collar bone the first time when she was six).  He slept in bed with me last night.  He woke up about midnight, confused and in a lot of pain.  I put a movie on for him.  Then I fed him yogurt at 2am.  Guess we will both need a nap later.  I am glad it is his left arm, but I will still have to help him with a lot of things.  I am getting really good at playing nurse.  Just hope this time is the last for a looooooooooooong time.

He wanted to wear a mustache.

 I caved and let him wear his Halloween costume for next year that I just got on clearance.

His little swollen hand. 

 

Happy Halloween

Alex was a stud and got all messy during our ward carnival.  It gave me much pleasure smashing a pie in his face. 

Ryan's room is done.  I haven't moved all his things down.  That will take some time as I am not ready to do that yet.  It is just to painful to close that chapter of our lives right now.

Ryan's headstone was placed on Halloween.  It turned out perfect.  I can't wait for the pictures to be put in (the black circles).  It makes me both happy and sad to have it all done.  I am glad we have a beautiful reminder of Ryan and the life he lived.  It is also hard because it makes it seem real.  I am still in denial and Ryan has just "gone fishing".

I am asked so often how I continue on.  My response is that I have two choices- to continue on in faith or to fall apart in despair.  We are so very sad and our continued trials don't make it any easier but, we have already lost so much and we don't want to lose anything else.  I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior.  I know there is a purpose in all our suffering.  I know that if we continue to endure that some day we will be blessed beyond measure.  As a family it is our goal to live our lives better.  Yes, we are still so imperfect but we are trying harder.  Families are forever and we aren't going to let anything stand in the way of us being with each other forever.  Ryan is waiting and rooting for us.  He has a great mission for him on the other side and even though that doesn't take away all my sorrow, it does help.  There is a purpose to this all and we just need to be patient. 

I had the following engraved on his head stone, "He will carry us until we meet again."  This is so true and I am so thankful not to be alone in my grief.  I do take it a day at a time and know that I am surviving because I am truly never alone.

Happy fall

 

Jaime's doctor visit went very well today.  She no longer has to wear her brace.  She still has to be very careful for the next few weeks.  Easier said then done.  She bumped her right arm as we were walking down the hall to leave the doctor's office.  Then she hurt her right elbow getting in the car.  It will be a miracle if we make it through these next few weeks.

Go Aggies.  We were given some tickets to the USU football game on Saturday.  We had a fun time.  Yes, even I had fun and I even wore an Aggie t-shirt.  Ethan would randomly yell, "Go Aggies!!".  We played New Mexico State.  Adam was confused and yelled, "Go Mexicians!!"  At first I was alarmed and then saw it was a simple mistake of a six year old.  What a relief he isn't raciest.

                           Ethan true blue all the way.

We spent UEA weekend up in Cache Valley.  It was a nice mini vacation.

 

 

Alex went hiking Gunsight up near Clarkston with my dad.  They were gone all day and had a lot of fun.  Alex was happy to find this moose antler.  He and my dad were even more surprised to have seen an alive moose, and elk and even a bear.  Yes, they were thrilled but nervous to have seen a black bear from about 600 feet away.  They didn't end up making it to the top due to it getting dark because they got a late start.  They hiked down the last hour or so in the dark without flash lights and were thankful for the light of the moon to guide them.  Alex hiked in his cowboy boots and will never do that again as he got some blisters.   It was nice we had cell phone coverage the entire time so we weren't to worried.  They hiked in honor of Ryan who hiked it a few years ago with Alex and Mike.  I plan on trying to go next year and hope that bear is long gone by then.

 

 

 

The Force is strong with these ones.

 

We went to the Pumpkin Walk in North Logan.  The kids had fun sticking their faces in different cut outs.  Don't they look cute with their giant ears??

 

 

 

 Adam

 

 

 

 Ethan

 

 

 

 

Jaime

 

 

Ok, I had fun as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday we went to a Halloween party.  Check out Mike.  What a hottie.  Alex stayed home as he would have been the only teenager and bored out of his mind.  We all had fun and look forward to dressing up again next week.

 

Hot in pink

 

 

Isn't Halloween fun.   Mike wouldn't join in in the fun.  Alex regretted it once he learned I would post this on the blog.  When I announced that I thought that Ethan made the cutest girl, Adam got mad and left the room.   

 Ethan

 

 Alex

 

 Adam

 

 Don't be surprised if you see me in 40 years with this hair color. Wouldn't that be a fun.

 

Jaime

 

5 months

Oct 12, 2012 

We were able to go and let off balloons and eat some yummy donuts before the rain set in.

 

 So messy but so worth it.

 

I have decided that fall is now my favorite time of year.  There is orange everywhere.  All the leaves changing colors have been beautiful and the orange has seemed extra vibrant this year. 

 

 

Silly Adam.  I am glad my little ones keep me smiling.   Ethan said the funniest thing this week.  We were at Mc Donald's playing and I told him we were going to leave in five more minutes.  He named off a few numbers and then said, "I want to stay googolplexian minutes".  It took me a minute and then I remembered how he has heard Mike talk with Adam and Jaime about the biggest number being googolplexian.  It made me laugh.  Ethan has also told me recently that he needs to get a mask so he can go under water and catch me a whale.  He says we will feed it grass, rotten sandwiches and wood.  Poor whale.

 

Someone gave us this sweet poem and jar.  We now collect pennies sent to us from our angel Ryan.  It is really fun for the kids and another great way to bring a little smile to our family.  Once when I was really sad I found one and felt comforted.

 

 

We were very touched by the sweet messages given during General conference last week.  Heavenly Father knew what we needed to hear and helped lift us up once again.  While at Mike's Grandpa's today Mike and I both happened to read this quote on his wall within minutes of each other.  It really touched our hearts. We rely so much on our faith to help carry us along.  I share this with all of you who are going through trials of your own and encourage you to not give up.  Answers to our prayers will always come.  We just need to be patient and know that all things are done in the Lord's time.

 

 

Mike and Jaime continue to heal.  They both have about two more weeks in their slings/brace.  Then they will still have to be careful for a few more weeks after that.  They are both so excited to be back to normal again.

 

Alex passed his drivers test.  Now we just hope he passes math. We are very proud of him and hope it won't be too long until he has enough hours behind the wheel and his Eagle done to get his license.  

 

 

Thanks again to all those who do kind things for us.