So much to be thankful for

 

A friend of mine suggested we have a "Ryan" tree and make an ornament together as a family every year.  What a wonderful idea.  We have chosen to do this on the Sunday before Thanksgiving.  It will be the first tree we put up each year and the last one to come down.  All the kids helped and we enjoyed decorating the tree with our new ornament and various Texas Longhorn ornaments I have found online.   

 

 

 

 

 

 We had a nice Thanksgiving weekend with lots of family.  I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard.  I shed many tears and am so thankful to all those who remembered our family.  It was hard to not have Ryan around to share in the feast.  He would have loved to have gone bowling with us and to hang out with his cousins.  I know he would have enjoyed holding his baby cousin Benjamin and going to a late night movie with the big kids. We miss him so much and things are just not the same without him.  We do have so much to be thankful for and I have so many blessings.   

Life could always be worse and so I am thankful for all that I do have.  I haven't lost Ryan for good- he's just away for a little while.  Hopefully that little while will get easier.

 

 

Ethan before his cast was taken off.

 He got dog poop on it today so it was coming off either way.  The dog poop ended up being a blessing because look what was found inside his cast....

Yep, it's a piece of glass that was about 2 inches long.  It is a miracle that he wasn't cut and didn't have an infection.  We asked him how it got there and he said he stuck it in there.   Duh!! He said he got it at the neighbors.  He had complained a few times briefly about his arm hurting.  Maybe it was because he had a huge piece of glass in there???  I just figured it was because the bone was broken and healing-- silly me. 

As you can see his arm hasn't completely healed  (to the right and a little lower than the blue dot)and so another cast must go on.  Darn, another 2 1/2 weeks of no baths and trouble wiping himself.  Oh well, at least he has an arm... right?? 

 

 
The saw that is used to cut off the cast is pretty amazing.  It only cuts when it comes in contact with a hard object.  The doctor showed me by putting his hard up to it and it didn't cut him.  Regardless, I was still very nervous when it cut through the cast and looked like it should keep going through his arm.  Ethan was so brave and didn't move.

Then pliers and scissors are used to do the rest. Ethan's arm wasn't in to bad of shape once it was out. It didn't even stink to much. He was excited to be able to wash it and move it around a little.  The doctor told him to kiss his arm good bye before he put on the other cast.  Ethan did.

 

 

The crazy little boy with his blue cast and on the infamous little slide.  Now all he wants for Christmas is his arm to be better.

 

 

I special thank you to all those who continue to follow our family through our journey of life.  It really touches my heart to see the number continue to go up and know that so many still care about our family.  Thank you.

6 months

I really can't believe it has already been six months.  The time has gone by so quickly and yet it has been an eternity.  Sadly it is just the beginning and it breaks my heart thinking of the years going by without Ryan.  Today I caught myself as I almost asked where Ryan was.  Needless to say, I was quickly saddened.  Sometimes I find myself having too much free time as I do the dishes, make a bed or drive in the car to think.  I find myself too often reliving the past 6 months and still not believing this all really happened.  It is just to hard for me to comprehend at the moment and so I guess I will just continue in denial.  Once again I am so thankful for the atonement and knowing that I am not in this alone. I know that our suffering will not go unnoticed and that we will one day be with our son again.  That gives me so much hope and joy.

 

I have so much to be thankful for.  I have four other wonderful and mostly healthy children, ha ha.  A wonderful husband that I couldn't imagine going through this without him.  I am thankful for little crazy Ethan and that he still keeps me on my toes (a little too much sometimes).  He occupies most of my time and I know he was sent to us for this purpose.  I am so glad he still has two years until kindergarten.  I am so thankful for my family and friends who still are watching out for us all the time.  I am especially thankful for the plan on salvation and the knowledge of the gospel.  My testimony is even stronger now and we have been so blessed. 

 

 

 

Our family watched the "Ryan movie" Sunday night.  I figured we needed a planned melt down for us all.  We all held each other and cried as we listened to the beautiful music and looked at pictures of Ryan.  I usually can go for a minute or so without tears but this time they came instantly.  Ethan kept asking why we were all crying.  He kept saying Ryan was alive and we would see him in a few days.  Oh how I wish he were right.  Yes, we will see him again and someday it will be as though it was just for a moment but for now it seems like an eternity.  Ethan than with tenderness went around wiping our eyes with Kleenex.  It was so nice to have one of my children not sobbing.

 

Monday afternoon I went to the cemetery to put balloons on Ryan's grave.  As I was there I saw a women at the grave of the boy that was shot and killed by his brother a few weeks after Ryan had died.  It ended up being the boy's mother.  We both held each other and cried and talked.  It was nice to meet someone who truly felt my pain.  She understood me.  We have so many of the same emotions.  I am sure I will run into her again and am glad to have met her.

 

As tradition, we let off balloons.  The kids and I all wrote individual notes to Ryan on our balloons.  I got teary eyed as I read Alex's.  Mike didn't get to write on one this time.  I accidentally popped his. 

 

Some might wonder why we do balloons and celebrate his death day.  My response is that it would be a hard day for us anyway and why not try and do a few fun things to help cheer us up.  I also really don't want Adam and Ethan to forget Ryan and hope that this helps keep his memory strong for them.  The balloons have a special and tender place in our hearts.  We all wrote messages on balloons and let them go on top of the roof of Primary Children's Hospital in honor of Ryan before he passed away.  Wearing orange on the 12th also makes us think of him and unites us all.

 

We later went out for dinner to Red Robin.  It was a nice meal but as I ordered I was reminded that Ryan wasn't there as I ordered the same meal he would have.  It's strange how the tiniest of things hold the most memories.

 

We then enjoyed some bowling in Syracuse.  Mike and I just sat back and enjoyed watching the kids.  It was sweet to see Alex help Ethan.  Ethan needed some help due to his cast but still ended up coming in second place.  Jaime was sad she was in last place but she didn't use bumpers and we kept reminding her that.

 

Thank you for all the texts and phone calls on the 12th.  Also, thank you to all those who wore orange in his honor.  

 

 

 

an orange ball for Ryan

It's so sweet how the boys always point out everything orange- cars,cups, toys.  Adam was also so excited when I got him an orange toothbrush.

 

 

Jaime pulled out a tooth a few days ago.  When she mentioned that the tooth fairy would bring you money Adam got on board.  He let Jaime tie a bunch of floss to his not so loose tooth and yank it out.  He didn't even cry.  Now he is working on the other one.  I only hope he doesn't start to pull out the permanent ones.

 

When Ethan heard about what Adam did he put this string in his mouth and tried to pull out his tooth as well.  Thank goodness he didn't figure it out.

 

Hope everyone enjoys this time of year and is able to spend it with those they love.

 

 

 

  

Orange for Ryan

 

 

 

 

Ethan with his orange cast "for Ryan".

 

Ethan got his cast put on yesterday and will have it on for at least 3 - 4 weeks .  It is actually a relief to have it on now so he can run around and be crazy again with it protected.  He was so excited to be able to play football again yesterday.  Hopefully he doesn't figure out he has a built in weapon and start whacking everyone.  He is feeling fine and isn't in pain.  He can do almost everything on his own but needs help with a few things here or there.  Everywhere we go people ask what happened.  I am glad he always gives the real answer.  A few days ago I asked him what happened and he said,  "You pushed me and I broke my arm."  Then I asked what really happened and he smiled and said, "I jumped off the slide."  Silly boy.  He keeps me smiling.

Another one bites the dust

Yes, it happened again.  Ethan was playing upstairs yesterday with Adam and some friends.  Apparently he jumped off our 2 foot plastic slide and landed wrong.  Long story short, he has a buckle fracture on his left wrist.  A buckle fracture is very common among young children.  It is when the bone actually sort of bends or buckles.  (Imagine his bone is a banana.  A normal fracture would be breaking the banana right in half.  The buckle is more like pushing on the banana and it indents.)  Little Ethan was very brave.  He actually even fell asleep while we were waiting.  I was so glad Mike was home minutes after this happened.  He drove us to the Syracuse Instacare (where we are becoming regulars and they know us by name.  ha ha) while I sat back with Ethan holding his wrist.   

This was Ethan about an hour before it happened.  He is so wild and crazy and yet got hurt doing something so simple.

He felt much better after his little nap and the ibuprofen kicked in.  He was so cute and chatted up a storm with the nurse and doctor.  If you notice he does have some money in his right hand.  There is a cute story behind this.  Right after he got hurt I was examining him and asked him if he could move his arm.  He said no so I offered him a quarter.  He didn't want to.  Later at the doctor's office out of the blue he lifted his arm straight up and then asked for his quarter.  Of course I didn't have a quarter so I gave him a dollar.  Then I gave him another one because I felt so bad for him.  Mike points out that I gave him his money.  Guess it was good Mike didn't have more than two bucks.

Happy little boy with a burger.  Glad we kept Jaime's sling.  Who would have known we would be using it so soon?  Ethan has a splint for five days until the swelling is gone.  He goes back on Tuesday to get a cast.  I think he will wear that for about 3 weeks.  Then he will have another brace to wear for a few more weeks.  Man, we aren't even done with Jaime's healing.  She still has 1 1/2 weeks of being careful herself.  We had planned on going swimming today, but had to cancel.  It would be fun to go bowling but half our family is injured.  Crazy Crazy.  Poor little Adam.  He was upset yesterday that he would be next.  He is also sad that we can't do anything fun as a family for a few more weeks.  What is really sad is that the boys have really been enjoying playing football on our new grass and now they can't most likely till spring.  I will have to get creative to keep Ethan entertained while he heals. 

Ethan will be watching a lot of tv for the next little while.  We were glad we found a smaller sling for his arm (it was used when Jaime broke her collar bone the first time when she was six).  He slept in bed with me last night.  He woke up about midnight, confused and in a lot of pain.  I put a movie on for him.  Then I fed him yogurt at 2am.  Guess we will both need a nap later.  I am glad it is his left arm, but I will still have to help him with a lot of things.  I am getting really good at playing nurse.  Just hope this time is the last for a looooooooooooong time.

He wanted to wear a mustache.

 I caved and let him wear his Halloween costume for next year that I just got on clearance.

His little swollen hand. 

 

Happy Halloween

Alex was a stud and got all messy during our ward carnival.  It gave me much pleasure smashing a pie in his face. 

Ryan's room is done.  I haven't moved all his things down.  That will take some time as I am not ready to do that yet.  It is just to painful to close that chapter of our lives right now.

Ryan's headstone was placed on Halloween.  It turned out perfect.  I can't wait for the pictures to be put in (the black circles).  It makes me both happy and sad to have it all done.  I am glad we have a beautiful reminder of Ryan and the life he lived.  It is also hard because it makes it seem real.  I am still in denial and Ryan has just "gone fishing".

I am asked so often how I continue on.  My response is that I have two choices- to continue on in faith or to fall apart in despair.  We are so very sad and our continued trials don't make it any easier but, we have already lost so much and we don't want to lose anything else.  I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior.  I know there is a purpose in all our suffering.  I know that if we continue to endure that some day we will be blessed beyond measure.  As a family it is our goal to live our lives better.  Yes, we are still so imperfect but we are trying harder.  Families are forever and we aren't going to let anything stand in the way of us being with each other forever.  Ryan is waiting and rooting for us.  He has a great mission for him on the other side and even though that doesn't take away all my sorrow, it does help.  There is a purpose to this all and we just need to be patient. 

I had the following engraved on his head stone, "He will carry us until we meet again."  This is so true and I am so thankful not to be alone in my grief.  I do take it a day at a time and know that I am surviving because I am truly never alone.