7 months

Check out the orange hair.  Ry would be so proud.

 

 

 

 We all wrote notes to Ryan.  This is from sweet Adam.

 

 

 

Ethan passing some time measuring things while waiting at Instacare.

 

  Yep once again we found ourselves at the doctors tonight.  Long story short, Ethan hurt his arm this evening and ended up getting his elbow, on his broken arm, relocated.  (A few years ago Ethan's elbows would easily get dislocated. It hadn't happened for years so I was shocked it happened again. Alex had been holding his hand and Ethan pulled away and there was a pop. I was right there and couldn't believe that something so simple could have hurt him. Alex felt horrible and I know it totally was an fluke accident. Years ago I had learned to reset it myself but there was no way I was going to try with his cast on and not totally sure what was wrong.)  It took the doctor two trys to reset it.  He hadn't been using it until then and was in a lot of pain but was happy and using it again once it was put back in.  Thank goodness his wrist wasn't affected and he was actually able to get his cast off.  We were supposed to have it looked at and possibly removed tomorrow but did it all tonight since we were already there.  Yeah.  He was so brave.  He said, "Hip hip hooray", and was so happy to be able to move his wrist again.  He now has to wear a brace for at least a week so it can build up strenght.  He has to be careful and baby it.  Wish me luck.  He actually fell in the doctors office before we even left.  I am crossing my fingers we won't end up back there in a few days.  On the bright side, I have gotten to know the staff there quite well and Ethan is really learning his way around there. 

 

Ethan is so excited to be able to take a real bath tomorrow and go swimming in a week or so. 

His poor little hand was dry and scaly... but didn't stink to much.  He was so excited to finally wash it.

Ethan with his new brace.  When we got home he showed me he can totally take his arm out of it in seconds.  Great!!!  I have told him Santa won't come if he doesn't leave it on and so far that is working.  He is also clutching the pair of purple latex gloves the doctor gave him.  He was so excited.

 

 

 

Thank you to everyone's continued support and love.  The holidays have been hard and I am so thankful to all the shoulders I have cried on.  What is so hard is that I never know when it will hit and I can't control it.  It is always there and I am trying to find myself again.  It is hard to know that I will never be the same again and my joy will never be full.  I still do have joy and have found it being with friends and family.  I have seemed to have lost the "fun" part of myself and keep reminding myself that it will come in time.  I also wish I could say that I have become a better person and mom.  I still make the same mistakes and still fall short in so many things.  At times it seems that the adversary is working even harder on us.  Little does he know he isn't going to win!!!  I just keep praying, keep reading my scriptures and keep going.  I can't give up.  There is to much at stake.  I have so many blessings and so much to be thankful for.  I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father and he has so much in store for me if I can just keep going.     

 

I came across this on a blog of a family who lost a child a few years ago.  It is a little long but is beautiful and really helped me see why we are having to go through this trial.    (I have been asked more about this family and what happened to them so I thought I would give a little more information.  About two years ago 18 month old Preslee fell into a canal and drowned.  She spent about 5 days at PCMC . I think her parents Ashley and Pat live in Rigby, Idaho.  Their story had so many similarities to ours.  It brought back so many memories.  Two years later they now have another little boy and are doing well.  I want to thank the person who felt inspired to tell me about this blog.  It has really helped me and I share this thinking it could help others.  If you want to follow their story the blog is  www.sullengers.com.)

At 15 months, Pat and I decided it was time to take her prized possession away. After we tried a few things we decided to go cold turkey. I put her to bed that night and she immediately began to cry. She wanted her bink. Once she clued in that we weren't going to give it to her a whole different side of Preslee came out. Holy cow, she screamed like she never had before. She totally lost it. She kicked and thrashed and screamed some more. Her face went bright red. To this day I still haven't seen anyone hold their breath as long as she did all in preparation to let out an even louder scream. She screamed for hours. I can only imagine what she would have said if she would have been able to talk.

 

Pat and I took turns trying to console her. She didn't care. All she wanted was her binky. I remember looking at her while I rocked her and thinking, "I wish you could just understand." But I knew at that specific moment she couldn't. It was impossible. With the limited knowledge an 18 month old has, she wasn't capable of understanding that in the long run she would be better off. This situation repeated itself the next couple of nights. I tried harder and harder to comfort her, but she just couldn't understand. I wanted so badly to run to the closet where I hid the binky and give it to her, but I knew I was doing the right thing. Taking the binky away was helping little Preslee grow up.

 

So I ask you again, have you ever had something you love more than life ripped out of your arms?

 

Just like Preslee, I have too. It's painful.

 

Pat's a better person than I am. He's been my rock. I've never heard him ask, "Why me?" But to be honest, I have. Lately, I've asked it a lot. I've wanted so badly to understand why Preslee? Why me? Then today as I found the binky and it hit me hard. Like a blow in the gut. I finally understood.

 

To be given the opportunity to be Preslee's mother was my gift, it was my binky. I was able to experience it for 18 months. Then, she was ripped away from me. I was left in a state of unbelief and in a world of pain. And because of my limited knowledge here on earth I cannot truly understand why.

 

As I stood on a chair in the middle of the hallway clutching her binky I began to cry. Then I began to sob. I felt my Heavenly Fathers love so strongly. I finally understood what He has been trying to tell me for weeks. It's time for me to grow. It's for my own good. It's not an easy way to learn the lessons I need to, but it's necessary for my future. His love for me became so overwhelming. I understood it hasn't been easy for Him to watch Pat and I struggle.

 

Even amongst the trials I know my Heavenly Father loves me. Why? Because I have been given so many blessings and miracles over the past couple of months. As I think back to the girl I was two months ago, I almost can't believe I knew so little. I didn't know it was possible to grow as much as Pat and I have in just two months. As parents we often make our kids do hard things. Because we know it will make them grow. If we gave in to everything our children wanted, they wouldn't stand a chance. So I think that is a small part of why Preslee isn't here with Pat and I anymore. And though it seems overwhelming at times, we still have our Savior, Jesus Christ who understands the pain we feel. He's more than willing to help us get through each and every day.

 

Eventually Preslee learned how to function without the comfort of her binky in her mouth. But it took time, and a lot of comforting from her parents. Sometimes prayers are answered in strange ways. Who would have ever thought finding a binky in a closet would answer one of mine? I know this analogy may seem crazy, but it was a powerful teaching tool for me. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at a binky the same ever again. It will always remind me how much my Father in Heaven truly cares. He truly wants the best for us.

 

So as I begin gathering items to put in a memory box, the binky will be the first to go in.

 

 

 

Thank you Ashley.  These words have brought me much comfort and a better perspective on things.  I hope those of you who are going through trials will also see how much you are loved and that it is truly for your own good.  Hang in there.  It will be worth it and you are never alone.