6 months

I really can't believe it has already been six months.  The time has gone by so quickly and yet it has been an eternity.  Sadly it is just the beginning and it breaks my heart thinking of the years going by without Ryan.  Today I caught myself as I almost asked where Ryan was.  Needless to say, I was quickly saddened.  Sometimes I find myself having too much free time as I do the dishes, make a bed or drive in the car to think.  I find myself too often reliving the past 6 months and still not believing this all really happened.  It is just to hard for me to comprehend at the moment and so I guess I will just continue in denial.  Once again I am so thankful for the atonement and knowing that I am not in this alone. I know that our suffering will not go unnoticed and that we will one day be with our son again.  That gives me so much hope and joy.

 

I have so much to be thankful for.  I have four other wonderful and mostly healthy children, ha ha.  A wonderful husband that I couldn't imagine going through this without him.  I am thankful for little crazy Ethan and that he still keeps me on my toes (a little too much sometimes).  He occupies most of my time and I know he was sent to us for this purpose.  I am so glad he still has two years until kindergarten.  I am so thankful for my family and friends who still are watching out for us all the time.  I am especially thankful for the plan on salvation and the knowledge of the gospel.  My testimony is even stronger now and we have been so blessed. 

 

 

 

Our family watched the "Ryan movie" Sunday night.  I figured we needed a planned melt down for us all.  We all held each other and cried as we listened to the beautiful music and looked at pictures of Ryan.  I usually can go for a minute or so without tears but this time they came instantly.  Ethan kept asking why we were all crying.  He kept saying Ryan was alive and we would see him in a few days.  Oh how I wish he were right.  Yes, we will see him again and someday it will be as though it was just for a moment but for now it seems like an eternity.  Ethan than with tenderness went around wiping our eyes with Kleenex.  It was so nice to have one of my children not sobbing.

 

Monday afternoon I went to the cemetery to put balloons on Ryan's grave.  As I was there I saw a women at the grave of the boy that was shot and killed by his brother a few weeks after Ryan had died.  It ended up being the boy's mother.  We both held each other and cried and talked.  It was nice to meet someone who truly felt my pain.  She understood me.  We have so many of the same emotions.  I am sure I will run into her again and am glad to have met her.

 

As tradition, we let off balloons.  The kids and I all wrote individual notes to Ryan on our balloons.  I got teary eyed as I read Alex's.  Mike didn't get to write on one this time.  I accidentally popped his. 

 

Some might wonder why we do balloons and celebrate his death day.  My response is that it would be a hard day for us anyway and why not try and do a few fun things to help cheer us up.  I also really don't want Adam and Ethan to forget Ryan and hope that this helps keep his memory strong for them.  The balloons have a special and tender place in our hearts.  We all wrote messages on balloons and let them go on top of the roof of Primary Children's Hospital in honor of Ryan before he passed away.  Wearing orange on the 12th also makes us think of him and unites us all.

 

We later went out for dinner to Red Robin.  It was a nice meal but as I ordered I was reminded that Ryan wasn't there as I ordered the same meal he would have.  It's strange how the tiniest of things hold the most memories.

 

We then enjoyed some bowling in Syracuse.  Mike and I just sat back and enjoyed watching the kids.  It was sweet to see Alex help Ethan.  Ethan needed some help due to his cast but still ended up coming in second place.  Jaime was sad she was in last place but she didn't use bumpers and we kept reminding her that.

 

Thank you for all the texts and phone calls on the 12th.  Also, thank you to all those who wore orange in his honor.  

 

 

 

an orange ball for Ryan

It's so sweet how the boys always point out everything orange- cars,cups, toys.  Adam was also so excited when I got him an orange toothbrush.

 

 

Jaime pulled out a tooth a few days ago.  When she mentioned that the tooth fairy would bring you money Adam got on board.  He let Jaime tie a bunch of floss to his not so loose tooth and yank it out.  He didn't even cry.  Now he is working on the other one.  I only hope he doesn't start to pull out the permanent ones.

 

When Ethan heard about what Adam did he put this string in his mouth and tried to pull out his tooth as well.  Thank goodness he didn't figure it out.

 

Hope everyone enjoys this time of year and is able to spend it with those they love.

 

 

 

  

Orange for Ryan

 

 

 

 

Ethan with his orange cast "for Ryan".

 

Ethan got his cast put on yesterday and will have it on for at least 3 - 4 weeks .  It is actually a relief to have it on now so he can run around and be crazy again with it protected.  He was so excited to be able to play football again yesterday.  Hopefully he doesn't figure out he has a built in weapon and start whacking everyone.  He is feeling fine and isn't in pain.  He can do almost everything on his own but needs help with a few things here or there.  Everywhere we go people ask what happened.  I am glad he always gives the real answer.  A few days ago I asked him what happened and he said,  "You pushed me and I broke my arm."  Then I asked what really happened and he smiled and said, "I jumped off the slide."  Silly boy.  He keeps me smiling.

Another one bites the dust

Yes, it happened again.  Ethan was playing upstairs yesterday with Adam and some friends.  Apparently he jumped off our 2 foot plastic slide and landed wrong.  Long story short, he has a buckle fracture on his left wrist.  A buckle fracture is very common among young children.  It is when the bone actually sort of bends or buckles.  (Imagine his bone is a banana.  A normal fracture would be breaking the banana right in half.  The buckle is more like pushing on the banana and it indents.)  Little Ethan was very brave.  He actually even fell asleep while we were waiting.  I was so glad Mike was home minutes after this happened.  He drove us to the Syracuse Instacare (where we are becoming regulars and they know us by name.  ha ha) while I sat back with Ethan holding his wrist.   

This was Ethan about an hour before it happened.  He is so wild and crazy and yet got hurt doing something so simple.

He felt much better after his little nap and the ibuprofen kicked in.  He was so cute and chatted up a storm with the nurse and doctor.  If you notice he does have some money in his right hand.  There is a cute story behind this.  Right after he got hurt I was examining him and asked him if he could move his arm.  He said no so I offered him a quarter.  He didn't want to.  Later at the doctor's office out of the blue he lifted his arm straight up and then asked for his quarter.  Of course I didn't have a quarter so I gave him a dollar.  Then I gave him another one because I felt so bad for him.  Mike points out that I gave him his money.  Guess it was good Mike didn't have more than two bucks.

Happy little boy with a burger.  Glad we kept Jaime's sling.  Who would have known we would be using it so soon?  Ethan has a splint for five days until the swelling is gone.  He goes back on Tuesday to get a cast.  I think he will wear that for about 3 weeks.  Then he will have another brace to wear for a few more weeks.  Man, we aren't even done with Jaime's healing.  She still has 1 1/2 weeks of being careful herself.  We had planned on going swimming today, but had to cancel.  It would be fun to go bowling but half our family is injured.  Crazy Crazy.  Poor little Adam.  He was upset yesterday that he would be next.  He is also sad that we can't do anything fun as a family for a few more weeks.  What is really sad is that the boys have really been enjoying playing football on our new grass and now they can't most likely till spring.  I will have to get creative to keep Ethan entertained while he heals. 

Ethan will be watching a lot of tv for the next little while.  We were glad we found a smaller sling for his arm (it was used when Jaime broke her collar bone the first time when she was six).  He slept in bed with me last night.  He woke up about midnight, confused and in a lot of pain.  I put a movie on for him.  Then I fed him yogurt at 2am.  Guess we will both need a nap later.  I am glad it is his left arm, but I will still have to help him with a lot of things.  I am getting really good at playing nurse.  Just hope this time is the last for a looooooooooooong time.

He wanted to wear a mustache.

 I caved and let him wear his Halloween costume for next year that I just got on clearance.

His little swollen hand. 

 

Happy Halloween

Alex was a stud and got all messy during our ward carnival.  It gave me much pleasure smashing a pie in his face. 

Ryan's room is done.  I haven't moved all his things down.  That will take some time as I am not ready to do that yet.  It is just to painful to close that chapter of our lives right now.

Ryan's headstone was placed on Halloween.  It turned out perfect.  I can't wait for the pictures to be put in (the black circles).  It makes me both happy and sad to have it all done.  I am glad we have a beautiful reminder of Ryan and the life he lived.  It is also hard because it makes it seem real.  I am still in denial and Ryan has just "gone fishing".

I am asked so often how I continue on.  My response is that I have two choices- to continue on in faith or to fall apart in despair.  We are so very sad and our continued trials don't make it any easier but, we have already lost so much and we don't want to lose anything else.  I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior.  I know there is a purpose in all our suffering.  I know that if we continue to endure that some day we will be blessed beyond measure.  As a family it is our goal to live our lives better.  Yes, we are still so imperfect but we are trying harder.  Families are forever and we aren't going to let anything stand in the way of us being with each other forever.  Ryan is waiting and rooting for us.  He has a great mission for him on the other side and even though that doesn't take away all my sorrow, it does help.  There is a purpose to this all and we just need to be patient. 

I had the following engraved on his head stone, "He will carry us until we meet again."  This is so true and I am so thankful not to be alone in my grief.  I do take it a day at a time and know that I am surviving because I am truly never alone.

Happy fall

 

Jaime's doctor visit went very well today.  She no longer has to wear her brace.  She still has to be very careful for the next few weeks.  Easier said then done.  She bumped her right arm as we were walking down the hall to leave the doctor's office.  Then she hurt her right elbow getting in the car.  It will be a miracle if we make it through these next few weeks.

Go Aggies.  We were given some tickets to the USU football game on Saturday.  We had a fun time.  Yes, even I had fun and I even wore an Aggie t-shirt.  Ethan would randomly yell, "Go Aggies!!".  We played New Mexico State.  Adam was confused and yelled, "Go Mexicians!!"  At first I was alarmed and then saw it was a simple mistake of a six year old.  What a relief he isn't raciest.

                           Ethan true blue all the way.

We spent UEA weekend up in Cache Valley.  It was a nice mini vacation.

 

 

Alex went hiking Gunsight up near Clarkston with my dad.  They were gone all day and had a lot of fun.  Alex was happy to find this moose antler.  He and my dad were even more surprised to have seen an alive moose, and elk and even a bear.  Yes, they were thrilled but nervous to have seen a black bear from about 600 feet away.  They didn't end up making it to the top due to it getting dark because they got a late start.  They hiked down the last hour or so in the dark without flash lights and were thankful for the light of the moon to guide them.  Alex hiked in his cowboy boots and will never do that again as he got some blisters.   It was nice we had cell phone coverage the entire time so we weren't to worried.  They hiked in honor of Ryan who hiked it a few years ago with Alex and Mike.  I plan on trying to go next year and hope that bear is long gone by then.

 

 

 

The Force is strong with these ones.

 

We went to the Pumpkin Walk in North Logan.  The kids had fun sticking their faces in different cut outs.  Don't they look cute with their giant ears??

 

 

 

 Adam

 

 

 

 Ethan

 

 

 

 

Jaime

 

 

Ok, I had fun as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday we went to a Halloween party.  Check out Mike.  What a hottie.  Alex stayed home as he would have been the only teenager and bored out of his mind.  We all had fun and look forward to dressing up again next week.

 

Hot in pink

 

 

Isn't Halloween fun.   Mike wouldn't join in in the fun.  Alex regretted it once he learned I would post this on the blog.  When I announced that I thought that Ethan made the cutest girl, Adam got mad and left the room.   

 Ethan

 

 Alex

 

 Adam

 

 Don't be surprised if you see me in 40 years with this hair color. Wouldn't that be a fun.

 

Jaime

 

5 months

Oct 12, 2012 

We were able to go and let off balloons and eat some yummy donuts before the rain set in.

 

 So messy but so worth it.

 

I have decided that fall is now my favorite time of year.  There is orange everywhere.  All the leaves changing colors have been beautiful and the orange has seemed extra vibrant this year. 

 

 

Silly Adam.  I am glad my little ones keep me smiling.   Ethan said the funniest thing this week.  We were at Mc Donald's playing and I told him we were going to leave in five more minutes.  He named off a few numbers and then said, "I want to stay googolplexian minutes".  It took me a minute and then I remembered how he has heard Mike talk with Adam and Jaime about the biggest number being googolplexian.  It made me laugh.  Ethan has also told me recently that he needs to get a mask so he can go under water and catch me a whale.  He says we will feed it grass, rotten sandwiches and wood.  Poor whale.

 

Someone gave us this sweet poem and jar.  We now collect pennies sent to us from our angel Ryan.  It is really fun for the kids and another great way to bring a little smile to our family.  Once when I was really sad I found one and felt comforted.

 

 

We were very touched by the sweet messages given during General conference last week.  Heavenly Father knew what we needed to hear and helped lift us up once again.  While at Mike's Grandpa's today Mike and I both happened to read this quote on his wall within minutes of each other.  It really touched our hearts. We rely so much on our faith to help carry us along.  I share this with all of you who are going through trials of your own and encourage you to not give up.  Answers to our prayers will always come.  We just need to be patient and know that all things are done in the Lord's time.

 

 

Mike and Jaime continue to heal.  They both have about two more weeks in their slings/brace.  Then they will still have to be careful for a few more weeks after that.  They are both so excited to be back to normal again.

 

Alex passed his drivers test.  Now we just hope he passes math. We are very proud of him and hope it won't be too long until he has enough hours behind the wheel and his Eagle done to get his license.  

 

 

Thanks again to all those who do kind things for us. 



Good news

It is with much happiness I report that Jaime's collar bone is healing properly and she won't need surgery.  What a wonderful answer to our prayers.  She is doing well and is happy she is able to write with her right hand again.  I had the privilege of helping her with all her homework last week.  It was super fun to have to do long division and multiplication again.  NOT!  Thank goodness I still remembered how to do that, as some of the things she has to do I can't remember.

    Jaime getting an x-ray again.  Sassy girl.

The break after the second fall.

 Mike is going to therapy and is doing very well.  It has been so nice for him to be able to work local this past month.   Alex is still enjoying football practice, even though it isn't the same from the sidelines.  He has finally completely all of his scout merit badges and only has his Eagle project to do.  We are very proud of him.  He takes his drivers test next week and we hope he can pass.  He still has about 18 hours to get behind the wheel before he can get his license.  He actually is a good drivers and we have only almost wrecked a few times.

 Adam continues to enjoy soccer.  I volunteer in his class once a week.  It is fun to be able to read with him and the other kids.  He always lights up when he sees me and that makes my day.  Ethan is as wild and crazy as ever.  He loves preschool and I love a break from him for a while.  He doesn't nap anymore and I really wish he or I would get one most days.



 We planted grass on Labor Day.  It is finally coming in thick and looks great.  I mowed part of it the other day and it was wonderful.  It's amazing how such a simple thing as grass can make me happy.  I admit I like to just stand on the deck and watch the sprinklers.  We spent so much time out there these past few months and it is great to see the fruit of our labors.  I also harvested our pumpkins last week.  We got two big ones (Ok they aren't that big.  They just weren't as small as the little ones.) and about 50 mini ones.  I have been giving them to all the little kids I see and donated some to Ethan's preschool class.  Maybe I will have better luck with the big ones next year.

  I have been working on finishing Ryan's room down in the basement.  It makes me sad knowing he will never use it.  It will be a special place we can go to have some quite time and to feel close to him.  Last night I painted the walls orange.  He would love it.  We continue to go day to day.  Thank you again for all everyone does for us.  I am in denial and still hope to wake up from this bad dream.  I am so thankful that this isn't the end and that I will be able to be with my sweet son again some day.  I have been designing his headstone and hope to have that finished very soon.  It is hard to do and I really would rather be doing anything else.  This isn't what I ever figured would happen in my life but have to keep faith and remind myself that it is for my own good.  I have so much to be thankful for and I hope and pray I can live worth to be with my sweet son again someday.  I just need to be patient and learn to endure.

Hope you all enjoy the nice fall weather because the yucky snow will be upon us sooner than I'd like.

Yet another fall

Jaime fell again on Thursday going up the stairs. She skinned her knee and caught herself with her arms.  Ouch.  Mike said he heard her screaming and ran to see what had happened.  We went back for a follow-up yesterday and her bone is in a worse location now.  She now has to wear a sling on her right arm and isn't supposed to use it.  The doctor is hoping that this will help the bone move back to where it can heal properly.  She still has to wear her shoulder brace.  If this doesn't work then we will have to go and see a surgeon.  We go back again on Monday and pray it is healing properly.  Please remember her in your prayers.  She was a bit discouraged last night and is sad she isn't able to play and have fun for a few more weeks.  Poor girl.  We took the gang to Get Air (an indoor trampoline place) for Ethan's b-day yesterday and she had to just sit.  Thank goodness she had her dad's iPhone to play games.  Alex was brave and had a blast jumping all over the place.  He was extremely sore by the time we left and I am sure he will be feeling it for the next few days.  We warned him, but who wants to listen to their parents.

Yesterday Ethan turned 4.  He was so excited to open presents and asked for them the second he woke up.  Of course I gave in and let him open one. 

Silly Adam and Ethan wearing mustaches they got out of a gumball machine.

Today Ethan had a field trip to the Syracuse Fire station.  He had a blast.